Advice to My Younger Self

I was listening to a podcast just now on regaining weight after losing it. The host asked the guest, if she could go back to a certain age to give advice…. when would she go back to and what advice would she give her younger self… This got me thinking.

I have been overweight since elementary school and have been dieting since that time. That’s one of the “perks” of having older sisters. I was reading Self magazine and admiring tall, thin and lithe bodies like Gabrielle Reese or Veronica Webb since before puberty. I never once thought that I couldn’t look like that if I followed a 1200 calorie plan. I have never liked the way that I look. Never. I have been comparing myself to celebrities and models since the start. When I got my first real crush in college, I started running because I thought that my weight was the only thing holding me back from him liking me. I started running around the track, lost the weight and started putting myself in his line of sight. We never dated. Then I would drink excessively to relax and be more sociable, because men would screw any girl that was there, right? You could blame 90210 and Melrose Place for those ideas. So now, not only was I a problem drinker, but I was eating like crazy to deal with loneliness and shame from drunken escapades. It’s just been a constant cycle of binging and abstinence, never any type of moderation with food or alcohol.

I love to dance which is why I am becoming a certified instructor and teach on the weekends at a church. Dancing allows me to workout every week to stay in some sort of shape and help others stay motivated and in shape. I really don’t like Crossfit, but I like challenging myself. I joined Crossfit to literally whip my body into shape. I loved the results but after being sidelined, I gained some weight back and have been binging ever since. Everything that I do to my body has been to modify the emotions with a substance, get it thinner by starving, making crazy eating rules or exercising until I get injured. I’ve never just loved it for still fucking working. Appreciate it for what it is because it’s as perfect as I’ve allowed it to be. And I should be grateful and I am in this moment.

I have these affirmations on my wall in my kitchen and bathroom that say:

  • I am beautiful
  • I love my body
  • I care about what goes into my body
  • I love myself
  • I care about my body

Is it normal to have to remind yourself of that? Why is my self esteem and self image so distorted? There is no one to blame at this point, but how can I rectify it? I know that finding the answer to this question is the only way to reach a stable and healthy weight. I aspire to love myself and treat my body with TLC. I think it’s time to put my scale away. That’s step #1 for damn sure.

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I’ve changed platforms. You can find my new blog at ——->  Around Your Way Fitness

I will post on the two platforms for a few more posts before heading over there completely. Follow me there

The Annual Funk

A lot is going on in my life but over the past week two weeks, I have been down. Really down. Like I’ve had takeout 5 nights in a row last week. I have stopped my self-development and self-care routine, my gym routine and all things self-improvement.

I have been very busy:

  • I passed my fitness instructor midterm which involved me teaching my class a dance cardio routine. It was nerve wracking but my dance was great and you can’t go wrong with Pitbull…. DALE! 
  • Work has been STRESSFUL. We had to fire my medical secretary because he was not detailed oriented and just wasn’t a good match for the work. It has been weeks of write-ups, verbal warnings and corrections, awkward conversations, retraining him on basics then being irritated and towards the end waiting for the ax to drop. I’ve come to the conclusion that being a manager is not for me but now I have to step up. I’m actually OK with doing his job, if I’m getting paid more but last time I asked for more last year I was turned down. It was the exact same situation but the last secretary quit. I just don’t have the mental energy to hire and train someone now because of the third “stressor”…
  • This biostatistics class that I’ve been not really trying at. I’d rather work on my dance routines which is what I’ve been doing to the detriment of my weekly homework assignments. I’ve FINALLY started to open the books and study and I have a midterm this week.

But all of the things I mentioned, which  are really blessings of opportunity, isn’t why I’ve been eating donuts, Indian takeout and drinking a lot. My 34th birthday is Tuesday. It’s my yearly reminder to reevaluate my life to see what I don’t have yet and compare it to others. But instead of continuing this downward spiral, I’m stopping it now. No, I’m not exactly where I want to be BUT since last October I have:

  1. lost 34 lbs
  2. moved into my own apartment
  3. survived the death of a cat and sickness of another
  4. became a vegan
  5. cut down on excessive drinking
  6. applied and got accepted into a fitness instructor training program
  7. am finishing my last class in a public health certificate program
  8. am actively working on a personal development plan to get better

I am not perfect, I will never be, but there is nothing wrong with me and the progress that I’ve made so far in my life. Everything that I want: love, marriage and baby carriage: will come in due time. I just need to stay happy, positive and keep working on myself and getting better. Keep an attitude of gratitude no matter what.  And always say yes to invitations because you never know who you will meet!give-thanks-1024x848